I have a problem with stillness. Always have. For someone who’s tired a lot of the time, I have an inordinate amount of trouble sitting through movies, meetings, or anything over 2 hours long. I’m a doer, I guess
That’s all fine and good until I am limited in some way, like bed-rest, gigantic winter storms, or a busted tailbone. Then things get hard. My body itself is physically averse to stillness. When I sit for too long in one position, my hips tighten, my back cramps, and pain shoots down into my legs.
Sometimes I think my ever-present tiredness is God’s way of spiritually knocking me on my butt and telling me to sit back and let him be the doer.
I think that being motivated and active is great…don’t get me wrong. When Christians reference the story of Mary and Martha, we tend to say things like, “God wants our attention, not our service,” which is true to a certain extent. But notice that Jesus scolded Martha not for her busyness and servitude, but for her bad attitude! It says that she was worried and upset about many things. And that’s the very place I often find myself in. I love to sit at the feet of Jesus…for a little while. But after a few minutes of sweet companionship, I jump to my own feet and search frantically for something, ANYTHING to do!
Even when I don’t look active, my mind and heart are often frenzied, worried, and constantly evaluating my time and options. Anxiety medication only helps so much (only half kidding…); it really comes down to my own wicked heart. I want to validate my existence with doing. If I do the dishes and clean the house, I earn my “good human” badge for the day.
I don’t have any conclusive solutions to my problem of perpetual doing-ness, except to remind myself to look to Jesus who did it all for me. So, sure, I still have to clean my house and stretch my stupidly tight hips, but my “dearly beloved” badge has already been purchased by Jesus.